Serenity. I adore this word. I'm always in the delicate process of achieving the state. My one problem which to be honest isn't really a problem is that you don't know when you are at that state until something major happens and you look around and everyone else is freaked out why you're just standing there happy but confused. Boy oooh boy this state does get me. I never blame anyone else for my state of mind or anything, but I have come to the conclusion that to truly earn my serenity and to truly connect with it I must and I do mean MUST be alone. Away from all that isn't natural or pure. Society is what takes away one's serenity. The acts that are done inside of it tether you in so many ways.
I will release my self from this chain gently as I learn more and more about my self, The serenity I seek is merely a walk away.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Monday, January 12, 2015
Baby Steps
The beginning of every journey begins with just one single step. The tallest and most brilliant structures of our time all started with that single brick or whatever else have you. One. Single. Act. I'm starting my journey finally and it all begins with this tiny little step. What's this tiny step? Simple it's getting a job. Incredibly simple actually. I'm slapping my self for not coming up with this sooner or rather fighting this solution. I'm a funny guy.
This step that a take I do with quite a warm and resolute feeling because it truly is a simple one. You just have to keep adding to it. Hopefully at the end of this I'll have that which I truly desire.
This step that a take I do with quite a warm and resolute feeling because it truly is a simple one. You just have to keep adding to it. Hopefully at the end of this I'll have that which I truly desire.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Ifs are just ifs
You ever been in one of those situations where you feel like you have the ultimate answer to the problem at hand but you're just too scared to take that leap forward towards it? I'm kinda going through that. I told my self like all the other times I've recited this. If you have a question that needs answering don't be afraid to pursue those answers and don't be afraid to ask those questions. It sounds a bit romantic, but honestly it's my motto.
My powerless situation is this. Someone whom I care for more deeply than I can fathom has been going through such a hard time. So hard a time in fact that it pains me just knowing that I can't really do anything for her. I want to just take her in my arms and tell her that I'm here for her and that whatever burdens her burdens me, but this isn't some high school musical. I've learned that a lot of things just aren't as simple as they seem. I for one am a huge believer in romance, but I also still do many things that I did as teenager and some of them are still very, very stupid. It's just infuriating to know that she's hurting so much.
I wish with all I am to tell her that I'm in love with her. To simply tell her that her hand is the only hand I want to always be held within my own. To tell her the light of her heart is what sets mine ablaze. She really does fill me with those type of thoughts it's just I can't tell her any of this. My main reasoning being I pushed for something like this before and it blew up all over my little face and heart. It's not fear nor regret that holds me but love that does.
She considers me her brother when we share no blood and if that's how she wishes to see me I will not go against it. I just simply wish to be near her.
My powerless situation is this. Someone whom I care for more deeply than I can fathom has been going through such a hard time. So hard a time in fact that it pains me just knowing that I can't really do anything for her. I want to just take her in my arms and tell her that I'm here for her and that whatever burdens her burdens me, but this isn't some high school musical. I've learned that a lot of things just aren't as simple as they seem. I for one am a huge believer in romance, but I also still do many things that I did as teenager and some of them are still very, very stupid. It's just infuriating to know that she's hurting so much.
I wish with all I am to tell her that I'm in love with her. To simply tell her that her hand is the only hand I want to always be held within my own. To tell her the light of her heart is what sets mine ablaze. She really does fill me with those type of thoughts it's just I can't tell her any of this. My main reasoning being I pushed for something like this before and it blew up all over my little face and heart. It's not fear nor regret that holds me but love that does.
She considers me her brother when we share no blood and if that's how she wishes to see me I will not go against it. I just simply wish to be near her.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Oh, New Years
Plain and simple New Years. That time of year when people actually try to make something new of themselves. I find it kinda funny considering they had 11 other months to do that. I only say this because I my self am one of them. New Years Resolution Number 24, 000 and something. Quit smoking cigs or stop drinking or stop doing some other destructive thing. Oh, who am I kidding I'll try for a month or two maybe three then it'll be a quick oops that gets me all over again. I like to call this New Year's Digressing.
Bullshit aside I like the idea of partying your ass off to ring in the new year. A change of the inevitable. I have set up my goals for the new year and they're pretty simple . Stop smoking cigarettes and stop drinking alcohol. Plain and simple. These two things are the cause of both so much pleasure and so much pain so, I'll see what else is out there and I don't mean hard drugs. This should be fun because I've never really tried to actually quit something I've always half ass'd it. Let's see what an A in effort can get me.
Bullshit aside I like the idea of partying your ass off to ring in the new year. A change of the inevitable. I have set up my goals for the new year and they're pretty simple . Stop smoking cigarettes and stop drinking alcohol. Plain and simple. These two things are the cause of both so much pleasure and so much pain so, I'll see what else is out there and I don't mean hard drugs. This should be fun because I've never really tried to actually quit something I've always half ass'd it. Let's see what an A in effort can get me.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Pretty Things and Thoughts
"The simplest things are the best things.". That's something that I hold dear to my heart. A saying that I live by. For example Christmas this year. While everyone else was scurrying to get the best gifts from here to freaking everywhere I'm just sitting in my room with a case of colored pencils, crayons, and paints making suitable cards. The word cheap is an insult to me. I'm a man who believes in something more than material matter and from the reaction I got from my family members I'm pretty sure I hit the mark somewhere.
I am told constantly that I'm a beautiful person and I often reply to that with a gentle smile because I feel that beauty is with the eye of the beholder. I see a lot of things as beautiful and I guess the things that I see as such see me just the same. I want to study this more but it seems pretty obvious. You think something's beautiful it probably thinks you are too. I should elaborate on what beautiful means to me. Oh, I like this word.
Beautiful and what it means to me is a deep understanding of the true mechanics of whatever you are beholding. Now, do you see why I gently smile at being called beautiful. It's funny really and very sweet. It's a tiny thing with pretty meaning. A thought that is gently chained to the way something is. I really do like the word though.
Friday, December 26, 2014
A Good Guide
Hey. I'm Martel. 24 years old and couldn't feel any younger at times and older at others. I've been meaning to make a blog or something, but like a lot of things in my life I kinda just run right past it and leave it on the way lines only to catch its attention moments too late. That was me digressing.
Forgive me in advance I am horrible at this proper English and spelling crap. Honestly, I say, "Try to say what you mean and try to mean what you say. So, I'll say this. I don't care about putting anything that I write or say in proper order I'm just going to say it. I'll end my second digression now.
The title Mary Jane's Hand is not one bit religious, but plant related actually. I find that under her influence things are a little more interesting. Ranging from intensely amazing to down right scary. Actually I won't say scary just mentally interesting for the mentally aware. I love playing with words like that. Kind of makes me feel free if only verbally.
I want to saw something about my father, but there really isn't much to say. He's one of those dad's who you see a few times every several years or not at all. Does this bother me? Yeah, it would if I counted my self normal. Thank goodness I've never had. Now my mother there's a good tale. A very hardworking woman. She fits the stereotypical African-American mom mold. 4 kids that she's basically raised from nothing and I do mean nothing. Making a grand a month means the world to her. It means silent tears for nothing to me. She proclaims having money is the only way to live and I say it's because of money that people are forced to live the way they live. We for sure butt heads quite a bit. I do respect her though and even my father for some reason. Guess a child just wants to love it's parents right?
Back to just me. My current situation involves feelings that are literally driving me crazy. I apologize because it involves a little love and perhaps a lot more. No for sure a lot more. Cut right to it. I think I am either madly in love with a woman I consider my best friend or I am as a pal of mine called it, "In lust" with her. I ask my self, "Hey, Martel. How do you feel about her?" and a hurricane of feelings just pop up. I didn't have these feelings from the first meeting I saw her or anything and in fact the second or perhaps third time I hung out with her I didn't remember her at all but she remembered me. I think affectionately or perhaps sarcastically? I'm going with the second. Now, these feelings stem from a rather weird drunken and drug induced history that we share. It's trying just to put all this together in this blog but here goes nothing. This bomb does need to be dropped.
I was in love with someone before her. Someone who every step of the way I constantly tried to impress and love and make smile because that was what she was and did for and to me constantly, but due to a series of drunken, molly licking, and couch fucking nights I lost my way to her and creep'd her out. I thought a drunken love poem would be awesome. Damn was I wrong. After I lost her to my stupidity love number 2 comes along a little stronger. No longer dating any of my friends but still still in bed with a few. Looking back I was just wickedly attracted to her and the alcohol and drugs that make you happy did not help one bit. So, with this put together you'd think love number 2 and I hocked up. The answer to that is yes and no. It's a complicated tale that I'll say with complete honesty I just wanted her body and nothing else. I paid for this debauchery with a great chunk of her trust and I'm sure others. It's something that haunts me everyday that I'll stop at nothing to fix. Even while knowing that there really isn't a way to fix molestation or rape. I know I just have to live with it and do my damned best to never repeat such a thing. Now, you'd think love number 2 is a distant thing right? Not at all and I think this is what amazes me. She is quite possibly the best bull-shitter I've ever met or she genuinely likes me and appreciates me. It is baffling at times but I make an effort to not parade my own scar from our twisted little past. Perhaps, now that I'm typing this she's doing the same thing perhaps.
This type of stuff if you would of caught me maybe like 3-4 years ago I'd probably tell you, "I'm soooo in love." and now it's more like, "What the fuck is this feeling?" it's maddening. I've come to the conclusion that I'm infatuated with love number 2. Doesn't help that she just broke up with her cheating boyfriend and it didn't help that I was drunk when she told me. All the little rose tinted ideas that floated in my head at that moment. Digressing is fun.
Forgive me in advance I am horrible at this proper English and spelling crap. Honestly, I say, "Try to say what you mean and try to mean what you say. So, I'll say this. I don't care about putting anything that I write or say in proper order I'm just going to say it. I'll end my second digression now.
The title Mary Jane's Hand is not one bit religious, but plant related actually. I find that under her influence things are a little more interesting. Ranging from intensely amazing to down right scary. Actually I won't say scary just mentally interesting for the mentally aware. I love playing with words like that. Kind of makes me feel free if only verbally.
I want to saw something about my father, but there really isn't much to say. He's one of those dad's who you see a few times every several years or not at all. Does this bother me? Yeah, it would if I counted my self normal. Thank goodness I've never had. Now my mother there's a good tale. A very hardworking woman. She fits the stereotypical African-American mom mold. 4 kids that she's basically raised from nothing and I do mean nothing. Making a grand a month means the world to her. It means silent tears for nothing to me. She proclaims having money is the only way to live and I say it's because of money that people are forced to live the way they live. We for sure butt heads quite a bit. I do respect her though and even my father for some reason. Guess a child just wants to love it's parents right?
Back to just me. My current situation involves feelings that are literally driving me crazy. I apologize because it involves a little love and perhaps a lot more. No for sure a lot more. Cut right to it. I think I am either madly in love with a woman I consider my best friend or I am as a pal of mine called it, "In lust" with her. I ask my self, "Hey, Martel. How do you feel about her?" and a hurricane of feelings just pop up. I didn't have these feelings from the first meeting I saw her or anything and in fact the second or perhaps third time I hung out with her I didn't remember her at all but she remembered me. I think affectionately or perhaps sarcastically? I'm going with the second. Now, these feelings stem from a rather weird drunken and drug induced history that we share. It's trying just to put all this together in this blog but here goes nothing. This bomb does need to be dropped.
I was in love with someone before her. Someone who every step of the way I constantly tried to impress and love and make smile because that was what she was and did for and to me constantly, but due to a series of drunken, molly licking, and couch fucking nights I lost my way to her and creep'd her out. I thought a drunken love poem would be awesome. Damn was I wrong. After I lost her to my stupidity love number 2 comes along a little stronger. No longer dating any of my friends but still still in bed with a few. Looking back I was just wickedly attracted to her and the alcohol and drugs that make you happy did not help one bit. So, with this put together you'd think love number 2 and I hocked up. The answer to that is yes and no. It's a complicated tale that I'll say with complete honesty I just wanted her body and nothing else. I paid for this debauchery with a great chunk of her trust and I'm sure others. It's something that haunts me everyday that I'll stop at nothing to fix. Even while knowing that there really isn't a way to fix molestation or rape. I know I just have to live with it and do my damned best to never repeat such a thing. Now, you'd think love number 2 is a distant thing right? Not at all and I think this is what amazes me. She is quite possibly the best bull-shitter I've ever met or she genuinely likes me and appreciates me. It is baffling at times but I make an effort to not parade my own scar from our twisted little past. Perhaps, now that I'm typing this she's doing the same thing perhaps.
This type of stuff if you would of caught me maybe like 3-4 years ago I'd probably tell you, "I'm soooo in love." and now it's more like, "What the fuck is this feeling?" it's maddening. I've come to the conclusion that I'm infatuated with love number 2. Doesn't help that she just broke up with her cheating boyfriend and it didn't help that I was drunk when she told me. All the little rose tinted ideas that floated in my head at that moment. Digressing is fun.
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